Have you ever told someone you loved them while staring into the void over their head? Yet people do it all the time when they speak. Eye contact feels risky because it turns speaking into a real human exchange. And since COVID, that kind of connection doesn’t come as easily as it once did.
The Void Above the Audience
A few weeks ago in Helsinki, I was training a team on delivery skills—especially eye contact. One young engineer took the stage to give a mini presentation. He stared into the void above our heads as he talked. His points weren’t landing. He said, “It feels really vulnerable to look at the people in the audience.” Here’s why.
Risk of not belonging
At its core, speaking in public makes us feel exposed. Because belonging is a survival instinct, mistakes don’t feel technical—they feel personal. The threat of losing acceptance and status feels real.
That’s why we can overinterpret neutral audience behavior as negative. We see someone with a frown, we think it’s about us. We see someone on their phone, we think they’re bored.
And you’re certain everyone notices your mistakes—even though the audience doesn’t know what you planned to say. Research backs this up. A Cornell study (Gilovich et al.) found that people believed roughly 50% of observers noticed their awkwardness, when in reality, fewer than 25% did.
Speakers avoid eye contact because the social stakes feel all too real.
Image courtesy of Today Consultancy
Being vulnerable is the point
Public speaking (doesn’t have to be big stages—even just speaking in front of 2-3 people) is the practice of being vulnerable with others. That’s why it can feel so hard. But if we avoid that vulnerable eye contact—if we “phone it in”—we won’t connect with our audience, which means our message won’t go through. Connection works like electricity: without contact, nothing flows.
Being vulnerable is a boon for speakers—even though it can feel terrifying. The same thing that makes speaking feel risky is what makes it powerful. Here’s how to make eye contact and turn risk into reward.
One person, one idea
To connect with your audience, make eye contact with one person at a time. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it works. Don’t scan or spray the audience with your eyes. This signals to your nervous system that you’re in danger (think scanning the horizon for danger).
Instead, hold 3-5 seconds of eye contact per person. It’s hard to count in your head while you’re speaking, so instead, tell yourself “one person, one idea”. Here’s an example of what that looks like in practice:
Thought #1 (person #1)
“Today we’re here to talk about our marketing strategy for Q2,…”
Thought #2 (person #2)
“and why we are pivoting from our original plan.”
Delivering those two thoughts, you’d look at two different people in different parts of the room. In order to make that smooth, a nice big pause in between the two thoughts would help. Intentional eye contact like this will also help slow you down, which is a bonus when your adrenaline is running high.
I asked the young engineer in Helsinki to try again, this time speaking to one person at a time. The result? He said while he expected it to feel scary, in fact it made him feel grounded and confident. “It feels totally different. I don’t feel the nerves like before. It’s actually enjoyable.”
If you’re not making eye contact with someone, you’re connecting with no one. And without connection, the message doesn’t land.
THE BIG PRINT
Eye contact is where your message becomes human.
TAKE IT FROM… American memoirist, essayist, poet, and civil rights activist, Maya Angelou.
She famously wrote, “People will forget what you said… but they will never forget how you made them feel.” Eye contact is often where that feeling begins.
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