What’s the longest relationship you’ve ever had? For me, it’s not romantic. It’s professional—and profoundly personal. My longest relationship is with a client. I’ll call her Valerie.
We’ve been together for over seven years! We meet every month online. She’s an artist, but she struggles with self-expression: self-doubt, censoring, comparing herself to others. All things I know too well. And it doesn’t stop there.
To justify Valerie’s feelings of separateness, she casts blame. “They’re stupid. They don’t get it. I don’t need them.” It’s a vicious cycle. You can imagine how a world-view like this keeps you small.
Yesterday we got on our call and something was different. She had a big smile on her face. Her skin was clear and bright. Her clothes and background were tidy. She started telling me that she’d started going to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings. “What?” I said, thinking I heard her wrong. She continued.
“I started drinking a lot when I moved to the US (from Germany) 13 years ago. But I found this group now, and I’ve been sober for 27 days. I go to the meeting every day. There’s no judgement there. People welcome me.”
That glow I saw in Valerie yesterday was belonging. She had given up the story that she was meant to find her way alone. And by letting go of that story, she is able to hold a new one: that she belongs and that she matters.
Valerie’s transformation is profound. For over seven years I have watched her wrestle with the negative stories. For years, she kept others at a distance—like she had a chip on her shoulder. It was easier for her to put on armor than to believe anyone was worth her time or trust. But now I see her open and willing to connect. She’s even started going to the weekly Sunday breakfast with the group too.
As I sit here writing, reflecting on how far she’s come, I can’t help but feel excited for her. Because by allowing other people in, she’s creating space to express herself—with her art, with her voice, with her being.
Over the years I’ve struggled to express myself too. I continue to wrestle with being performative versus being present. I still catch myself speaking to impress rather than to connect. Yes, I write, I speak, I teach (about self-expression!), but there’s always this little voice trying to hold me back. Maybe it will always be there. Still, I’ve decided it’s worth the fight. Because I believe that—just like Valerie—our creations can eclipse our ruminations.
THE BIG PRINT: i.e. If you take one thing away from this post it’s that…
We are here to express ourselves, so we have to keep trying.
3 Reminders about Self-Expression
1 – Self-expression isn’t a solo act.
Many people believe they have to “figure themselves out” alone before they can share anything. But like Valerie, real expression often begins after we feel safe enough to be witnessed, accepted, and supported.
2 – The stories we tell about others often reflect the ones we hold about ourselves.
Valerie’s story that others were “stupid” or “not worth it” was a shield for her own self-doubt. We all do this in subtle ways. Naming it is the first step to shifting it.
3 – Belonging creates the conditions for creative risk.
When people feel like they belong, they are more willing to take creative or emotional risks. For anyone struggling with voice, visibility, or vulnerability, start with building supportive spaces.
TAKE IT FROM… Viktor E. Frankl, Austrian philosopher and Holocaust survivor.
“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
—Viktor E. Frankl
Frankl had a choice in the concentration camp: sign on to the story of the situation he was in, or tell himself a different story. He decided to tell himself a different story—one that made meaning from the pain and that connected him to others—even the guards preventing his escape. We all have this choice.
What about you? What are the stories you’re telling yourself? What are you learning about yourself as you peel your own onion? What still gets in the way of self-expression?
I’d love to hear your reflections. And if you need support on your journey, I have courses and programs that can help. You can find them here.
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