I was on Tinder last night. A guy wrote, “I am curious about you, but this app is not helping.” And then he goes on to ask me questions in the app.
I stop him. “Why don’t you ask me out? You just said it’s not inspiring to chat here, yet you keep doing it.” I haven’t received a reply yet.
Are you single? Then you know how hard it is out there. I sure do.
But one thing I’ve noticed is that with a few simple communication tweaks, dating could be a lot easier for everyone.
Anne Ricketts of Lighthouse Communications (LHC) and I sat down to talk about how to communicate when dating: your profile, texting, first dates and more. Here are our tips.
Write an actual profile
Nothing makes me swipe left faster than an empty profile. Or the one line that says “I’m new here, I don’t know what to write.” If you didn’t spend twenty minutes on this, why would I? Mine says I used to live in Japan, on a river, and went cross-country skiing every morning in winter. lt’s just one sentence, but most every man who messages me asks about it. I gave him something to ask about.
And skip the list of what you don’t want. Negativity filters nothing. I write what I’m looking for in my life: a partner to build something beautiful with. The men who respond have read that line. We start on the same page.
Retire “hey, how are you”
It’s a greeting with a scripted answer. Ask a specific question about the profile instead. “I saw you grew up in Texas. Where?” Easy to answer, and it proves you’re paying attention. Attention is the whole game.
Get off the app
Two messages, then suggest coffee or a 30-minute call. Nobody is on the apps to chat. A phone call once told me a man wasn’t a match before either of us wasted an evening. Another time it did the opposite: by the time we met in person, he looked different from his photos, and it didn’t matter. I already knew him.
Be curious, not convincing
Convincing someone to like you is a lot of pressure to carry into a wine bar. Go in thinking: I’m meeting a new person today, and maybe that’s all this is. Anne’s tip here is my favorite: skip the table where you sit examining each other and go for a walk. People open up when they’re side by side instead of face to face. It’s why kids tell their parents everything in the car.
Talk less, listen more
I can still remember the few dates where the man asked more than he told. You never forget it. So don’t interrupt with “oh, I’ve been there too.” Hold the thought. Circle back later: “You said you lived in Japan. Tell me more.” That, to me, is the sexiest sentence in dating. Anne knew her husband was the one when he arrived at movie night carrying a Roku, because he’d listened to her describe her TV setup and realized she’d need one. Listening, with follow-through.
Don’t ghost
Ghosting leaves someone alone to write their own story about what went wrong. Most women will decide it was their fault. After a date or two, a kind text is enough: “Thank you for getting to know me. I don’t feel it’s a match.” Use “and,” not “but.” It lands softer. After a month, pick up the phone.
None of this is a dating skill. Be specific. Ask real questions. Listen. Say the hard thing kindly. It’s the same work Anne and I do with executives every week, applied to Saturday night.
As for my Tinder philosopher, still no reply. If he does write back, I hope it’s with a time and a place.
What’s the best or worst first message you’ve ever gotten? I collect these now.
Watch the video here. And share it with someone you know who could use a little help!
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